:: THIS HAPPENNED ::

>

:: I HAVE TO SEE WHO I AM KISSING ::

People:
i am love
i want to have the rest of my life with my Motoi by my side
we are a very particular couple
too alike in someways
and very differents in the others
we just start this odisey hoping the best
and we still have our best since the beginning
hope oneday you... whoever is reading this
find your someone
my someone is hope my last one still with me
no matter what...
and we after my 25 th birthday i can say... i am happy with th things that i have in my new year... i love you.... chu chu chu session with rythm

:: WONDERING ::

I am wondering about my country... who will be the next president...
VOTE!

:: ADJETIVES AND MORE ::

corrupted
stupid
selfish
lack of coinfidence
want to belong to something
need of recognition
problems to express
weak culture
cool blood
fashion fan
money maker
standarized
materialistic
bad listener
working hard loving less
loving less... living.. guess?
time is the only think that we cannot control
"life is what happen to you when you are busy
making other plans"
a lot of thing to say....
ending better...
we build our own death

:: SOMETHING... ::

Somethign has finished today, i dont know if i know what it is. Apologises are not coming, and memory still working, i no longer have the strength to live on imaginings. It was to much of a promise, too abrupt a denial. I cannot bear it. It found me weak, vulnerable.
What has died is my hope. Now at last i feel physical pain, the horrible emptiness of having desire violently in the void. The body rebels. Bitterness at last burns me. And this. I was full of poetry, and therefore more than ever streched out toward climax.
Again
i am in a quest of a new life, or trying to fight to still have this.

:: MIO HOMBRE ::

You have to do whatever you have to do, and if what you are doind dosent work, then find another way and if that dosent work, find another way and like that.... dont give up and make me smile...

:: LETS SEE ::

むつき、睦月
きさらぎ、 如月
やよい、 弥生
うずき、 宇津木
さつき、 皐月
friendship, arrived? still trying the older ones
Did i rebirth? what about the things i plant?... wait until june, water time.
growing, i am growing falling down...
theres a lot of rabbits, they love sex and i had my april
Rice sprouts? lets say again i am still hungry...
next?
waiting for water, letters, leaves, long nights, gods, and frost the busy people...

:: TENGO HAMBRE ::

Despertando, cada mañana me pregunto cual es la lista de las cosas que se tienen que hacer, empiezo a revisar las cosas que tengo, en las que encuentro la nada, y empiezo a decidir hacer algo que implique un reto para cambiar el estado en el que despierto y saber que puedo hacer algo mas que lo que estaba haciendo antes de despertar.
De pronto empiezo por abrir ese libro que deje hace mucho tiempo, diciendo esta vez si lo he de terminar, porque puedo, porque quiero y porque me es necesario para salir de aquí, de pronto la lectura comienza el estomago llama y no se encuentra ninguna salida, vuelves al vacío, y ya no puedes masque alimentarte continuar y no salir.

:: BEAUTIFUL MOMENT ::

I AM HAPPIEST ALONE, WITH MUSIC AND THOUGHTS. I LIKE MY OWN COMPANY, THE SOUND OF MY OWN IDEAS, AND THE SEALIKE MOVEMENTS OF MY FEELINGS, MORE INTENSE THAN ALL THE REST OF MY LIFE, MORE THAN OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES, MORE THAN BOOKS MORE THAN PLAYS. I USED TO FEAR EMPTYING MYSELF, BUT IT HAS NEVER HAPPENED. OLY DEPRESSION. I GET EMPTY ONLY WHEN I AM WITH OTHER PEOPLE, FEELING THEIR EMPTINESS, BRUISING MYSELF AGAINST THEIR WALLED IN INTELLIGENCE, AGAINST THEIR STONY APATHY, THEIR POOR LIFE, BORED, GOD!! WHO CAN THEY LIVE THAT WAY... PASSION... PASSION... OHHH I AM DEPRESSED... BUT ALONE, I OVERFLOW, I AM RICH, I AM ALIVE, I SHALL NEVER DRY UP UNTIL I DIE... BUT I HAVE ONE MISTAKE... I LOVE TOO MUCH.

:: KEEP ::

I keep my eyes and ears open as usual but find nothing to satisfy my everhungry mind. I am tired of the familly, even i force myself try to think i love them. None of out tastes are alike, and i am a strange creature that was self raced, our ideas the same, are not something that we can share or even understand because as always i have to be the listener because for me if i cannot talk its ok, my toughts can be used agains them, without knowing, but i have to listen because the uncivilized way to have a conversation have to be from their side, its more unrational than the animal that i can be. The one world that does not exist for me its the most important in their lifes: boredom. Charaloal pills.
When i am with them i feel tired empty and sad... Occasionally i get visual pleasure from "mi hombre" tinged with desire. But i want too many things, and i am perpetually upset by the things that i want and i cannot own, receive or have,

:: SIMON AND SISTER ::

They are goign to come and visit me!!!
I have too much worries and too many pressures, that i am getting crazy, i cannot do anything that i want to do, i am sacrificing my entire life, and my hobbies, and my time, and my health and what i am goign to have in return? for sure more worries.

:: AS ALWAYS BLEEDING ::

I cannot stop bleeding, this is painful and still hurting like the other million of things that are happenning here.

:: WHAT IN NEED TO? ::

lets put together all the pieces... i need to be rebuild by myself. i am under construction.

:: MUEGANITO:: (Motoi Antonio)

Do i have my mueganito? as a concept yes, as an image... i still need...

:: FRUSTRATIONS .. ::

what it is going to happen... god ! the project its going to take more time than the time i plan to work in, so what to do? reject it, and find another part time job until i go to japan?... I hate part time jobs... and i hate part time jobs in mexico... i quit almost 4 and find another... i cannot do it... i want to be a taxi driver.... Yeah a taxi driver!!!... i am frustrated ... so i hope this worth it, because is taking 80% of my life off me, so better to fullfill it ... if no, regrets are going to arrive.... MAKE IT WORTH IT !!!

:: TO BE OR NOT TO BE ?? ::

Who is this little girl?... i have reached a conclusion, He is one degree more passionate than me, Now i know that as i get older, friend become parents... and in this case... i fail.. He is not the father.. but dont they are cute?... what a shame he is flirting as part of life....

:: WAKE UP :: mother i need the mad face of the day!!

IMAGES...(Hi Motoi!!! from hegel....)

Words are something we mist give a shape with our hands before they have any meaning, so "mi hombre" i love you. and i will give a meaning to my words...
Hands earth, clay, tools, carving, paitnting, kissing... All this and more. and poetry to fix and transmutate the images.
How it hurts to love dreams, work, love, poetry, you, and to love as i do. but i feel the pain that at the end tell me that "you are alive regina".
Sameness is a torment. differences are a torment. to have such "twin feelings" as "mi hombre" and i have, is almost unbearable. He cannot bear it. Its almost like loving himself. Phrases come out of him wich startle me into absolute silence. It is like ifi were talking to myself. I get our ideas so mixed up I do not know at times whose idea it was. He leads me up to the end of my toughts. "Our minds are engaged. Let us announce that our minds are engaged".
But distance... we dont even hold hands and at moments he seems to be violently pushed toward me in some awkward collision. but i want him feel that we are no matter the distance shoulder to shoulder. I am disarmed . i never play the not lover woman, the indifferent woman, altought i should have. My love for "mi hombre" always burns in my face and gestures. with a child's damnable naturalness. in that i am a rotten actress. My feelings are too true. I am conquered, I am beaten. in such matters it is a duel. I never shot first before, always someone has to shot first . I wait. but now.. i am always the first. What a game for interest people to play, what a comedy. Shared feelings can cause a great deal of bitterness between "mi hombre" and me because of vanity...Eliminate vanity and what do you find? Thruth! Women cannot stand the truth in matters of love. They always take it personally. "He dosent love me"--- a personal insult. So i have to leave Vanity and face the true... He loves me!!!

:: I HAVE.. TO REMEMBER TO FORGET HIM ::

Specific friend, my brother.... "Jos" , let make mad faces....
"mi hombre" made it, lets remember him! cheers!!!

:: GOODBYES ::

I
Became
Stupid.
...

:: EVEN BEFORE ::

I often tried to explain, even before i knew psychology, that i beleived the writing of a diary would take the place of a confession and give the habit of self-analysis so prefectly that one ought to be liberated by it. Now i see from my own experience that one can start from a false premise and fail to achive absolute knowledge of one's delf and also absolute thruthfulness. But it now seems to me that a journal can clarify, realize, and organize the entire knowledge of one's self.
The only way of judging and action: "Toute sensation absolue est religieuse" (all absolute feelings is religious)
waht i call a real knowledge:
I know what i want. (advice: make and effort to preserve love, somethimes i dont have enough intellectual tolerance)

:: JUST AND BECAUSE ::

I watched the children playing around and smiling and saw a little girl i wanted to have - and eery child, with a secret smile adn thoughts of her own, runnins lightly to dry her hands.Until now, i never wanted childrens, i called them "interuptions" "renunciations" knowing too well that they might be like neither "mi hombre" nor myself, not even perhaps and extension or a development or our ideals, but a mere repetition or the ordinary patterns...
I will never give myself entirely to anything. with entirely passion yes; but never entirely. I will never scape from myself, nobody is able, but in my case, neither by love, by maternity, by art... if i have to scape from myself not to be alone with myself, i prefere myself keep belonging me.

:: COLD ::

A cold way to say i love you!, with an specific waste of time... i am not available.

:: PHILOSOPHIC MOMENT ::

How amusing it is not to find no resemblance between yourself and others around you and then to find yourself portrayed in a books as a type in a philosophic movement. My restlesness, pity, individuality, reactions, are thoroughly tabulated. I personally fulfill the description of the romantic ironist. When i get too worried by my problems, i shall look for te usual sotutions in some books. I can choose madness, suicide, or humanism. But how is it one does not resemble anyone alive and yet one can resemble at once all the romantic fools and diviniers in the encyclopedia?
I arrive at the conclusion i was afraid to formulate. I had obscurely begun to blame my "hombre" for my neurosis. (plus my family)
I was profoundly shocked, because i beleive he did not love me, and that our relationship was a mistake. incomplete union. I am always loving and receptive willing caresses.
The fact that i am acutely sensitive to his state of being, his moods, would be almost enough to cause my own depression. I am tired of death of his strange way to care. I owe the knowledge of what was poison us. and each line still dosent matter more than... I love him...still...until? who knows?

:: AS A CRITIC MY COLLABORATOR ::

I owe him a great deal, as the one it is possible to talk to because he is never too busy and never unreceptive, and he has such extraordinary ideas, such a talent for slow developement, patience unfolding. Here is a friend. Fear of my need? no; Fear of my dependence? no; I know my tenderness.Oh what a good friend i make you, i will keep myself permanently packed, ready to leave at the necesary hour... take care of bird flue , KFC, your new husky, and take care of your girl!
The craving of friends and the rejections of friends, To be strong is not to wear one's self out against the strenght of the others, in love or hate, to discover our own self- sufficiency. That i will never know, The i will laugh about my little wars. I understand I guess everything, I know friends are a certain kind of love for me.

:: LADIES OPRESSED AND IRRITATED BY MONOTONY ::

It is something more serious. Worry about their fate. Whenever women find and emptiness in their lives they do not seek the cause of it within themselves, in their spiritual and intelectual life; no; they seek a man; they turn sometimes also destructively upon the man.
Worry about their fate, our fate.

:: ACTING AND STAGE OF LIFE ::

"Duch painting" Grew, more and more stolid and fixed, i decide to make one desperate effort to bring my bace, to bring it back to life, I was not able to play the "smile", and my mouth twitched as if i were about to sob. However, I conquered myself and went on. the last "mad faces" were satisfactory and natural. And inside i was deeply surprised and pleased. Sometimes i am impressed with my appearance, happy perhaps... I had a very pure joy moment while reminding "mi hombre" mad face... for a moment beauty entered that gray and sluggish day. with the most subtle humor. shaking off the oppresion of that "dutch face"...

:: MAD FACE ::

Mad Face 1
How to make a mad face?
enough mad?
Before i get mad

:: FIRST OF ALL ::

He read us two perfectly delightful stories in his old manners , Our evening was calculated to intimidate me. First of all, we were serverd a young lobster, wich required a sidiculous amount of attention. He was talking about the west and the middle west of wich i knew nothing. And then was intent on questioning me on a material life in Mexico, since he is comming in November, and i can never make this subject attractive or even bearable. He subly more "American"
than before adn a little too self- satisfied. Ohhh!! about the stories.... One of that stories was more modern, which i dislike because it was sort of exhaustive repetition of himself and a little obvious. I did not hesitate to tell him that Eve (in adam and eve) was essentially americanm whereas he intented her to be universal. That is when i became scared. My criticism was instctive (damn it) and stood on no legs at all. I will have to make up in writing for that momentous impulse. the rest of the evening was comparatively smooth, We laughed at his stories but could not laught as heartily as he did himself. He read them with a strong colloquial accent, which accentuated the rougher aspects of his face, and for no sound reason i was little disappointed. I have such faith in his mind. But his thundering, ogrelike laugh rolls over everything and make feel sad.

:: OTHERWISE ::

Of course i understand that formality is a natural habit with the Asians (or shall i say vice).
It dose not mean unfriendliness, but in the case of the formality expressed by a close friend
for me ( at a moment when he should have been forgetful of his usual restraint) it was delicate
problem to deal with.
To my own family, i struggle to free them by taking and interest in the house, by sharing the
work, by sewing, helping, by giving them some abundant thoughtfulness. i think i gave them so
much! I swallowed my pride; i was gentle and patient. But as soon as one battle was won, i was
faced with a new one. Visitors came. It was a renewal of the judgment to be passed on me, from
which my sensitiveness shrank. Too much praise of me was not wanted either and was received
without pleasure.
Some persons are really pathetic and helpless persons, with very limited feeling and no
understanding whatsoever. I made a tremendous effort to love them but find it uttery imposible.
Each one of us carries ans independent seed of greatness. Families give us life and nourishment
and a beginning. We can do the rest. And yet i like to have them great, understanding if possible.
What a lot i ask. ( i owed myself to the collisions)
I invent what i miss.