::Warm::Brilliant::Morning::

"P" and I set out to look for a studio for him. I wear a light-green dress and a picture hat :P i love to be between artists!!
I am still ill but light and in love? and half clear minded. We sit in the bus .. he said "I love your insouciance" The atmosphere is suddenly clear up.
there is not more discomfort...
Why cannot be like this with some others?
I ask nothing, he gives me all he can and want to give. I look fearlessly and quietly into his face, and he is glad for the fearlessness and the quietness...

by the way i love the spelling corrector of this web about the grammar still arghh...

His confidence comeback.. He takes my arm. and how we talk. there is to be and artistic fulfillment, we will illustrate his mystical stories.

We dream of that, i am delighted. Art Art Art....

fulfillment!

The day s bright and warm, the bus shakes us. i am depressed still but stone no more. Where is that brooding intensity, the brewing storm that was going to break our relationship? I have dissolve it (ahh this word with 2 SS, i love spanish) It is crystal clearness now. Clearness and lightness ... MAN to MAN almost. and what of my pale-green dress and coral bracelet and his hand on my arm and his green eyes and the sensousness (ahhh i don't know how to write this and i am lazy for a dictionary) of his face and walk? Delight delight and nothing more

His freedom, my freedom.... ( am i still dealing with that hopeless case crush, maybe but i do love to be alone)

There is no doubt who i am from my artist friends, which makes a fine woman out of me, not a stone, not a housekeeper, not a nurse, not an economist, non a nude model, not a lots of things ...
A free, pliable, busy being, who weighs on nobody

CARRYING A WORLD , my own world , not demanding one.

"F" ohh my dear "F" he sees the strength in me, and get my smile. Because nobody saw it the last few days.

::VOLCANIC SESSION::

Volcanic session, more than 5 yes five hours with "F" Talk , interminable, upsetting; confidences literary and personal.
Happened to me before more than 8 hrs, whit "H" but meaningful just for me.
Encouragements: I to him
D, you have not missed anything. you know that you possess as much as do men who have actually tasted everything. You carry richness in yourself, your imagination. And he answers me
Regie, you have not missed anything. You carry creative power within yourself. You will live in that, and by that more profoundly than others my sensitive kid.
But
this artistic experiences, imaginative experience .... this kind of experiences.. are very fine philosophically, but it makes you so helpless before real experience... so awkward!

::Tea:Chocolate cake:Friends::

The house has become a curiosity and a museum.
I used to talk about the mystical meaning of it and how I would judge people by their understanding of it + the understanding of my own drawings.
What does it mean, then, that everybody likes it, that i find myself a popular illustrator. Unexpected and starling.

ohhh penguins ... common mistake.. just in the south pole
there is not penguins in the north pole.

A formal philosopher open my eyes to the weakness of lone studies and the impossibility of understanding Islamic philosophy without initiation.
I listen to her doctoral voice. Although quite peaceful and balanced, she enchants me. She is half dutch half Mex.

So now i have found something to worry about. I can't endure the idea of missing philosophy by my random reading.

I exposed myself too much the last few weeks but good for me i agree pretending to the objective that artist cant often talk.
I learn the fact from cruel personal discoveries.

:: What to do? What to do? ::

::HELP::

:: DO YOU THINK ABOUT HELL? ::

When you give up, you gain. The simpler your life the better...
"communal farm," I suppose. But we've all come to the same conclusion Gita, the Muslim's Koran The Bible ... it's always the simple things that catch your breath – "Love thy neighbor as thyself"
conflicts...
so it's not "spiritualism" or "nationalism" is not against anything but the idea that people can't live together.
for you for me ofr us i am prepared to die.... but there is no cause for wich i am prepared to kill... do i have to get prepared?
Voltaire said one day that he was not in the same position that the speaker that he was listening, he didnt agree with that but he will never no matter that, take from the other the right of the voice.
Lots of things can kill me, brake my bones, torture my body, make mi mind collapsed, find emptiness, feel prisioner, lost hopes... but at the end that things that persons that sittuations can have my dead body my collapsed mind my lost episodes but never going to have my heart. and the rest of the consecuences of not having my utter self.
Sometimes the clever arguments that i have are not producing the ends that i desire,
what on earth i am here for?
Following the law of creation, the violence end with revenge in souls hearts and minds and i am agaings that
god always give us more than we think we can take.
Injustice... fight it or change it? change it with fight? for punishments? for changes.. fight?
a lotus flower grows in the mud
indeed...
first step
second step
third step
fourth step
fifth step
sixth step
seventh step
go
I myself will
die before I betray our belief that love is a stronger weapon than hate.
Love you and you and you and you too.

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:: SOCIAL SIGNIFIERS::

Someone told me ... things are different romantic love is not existing anymore... the things change... next step i think is the acceptance and redirect the steps to personal objectives that still existing.
production and consuption.
Waiting for social signifiers? We consume messages images signs... what comodities signify? The system of good and bad, happy and sad, satisfasctions, disatisfactions, disturbances and progress.
life has everything and dont blame the bad of the unhappiness time, life is obeying its own laws..
Love for some persons is material of consumption, shift from superficial level of concious social dynamics to the underconcious social logic of signs. In other words, the jey to understanding lies at the level of deep structures...
Comunication... has an aseptic form... is no longer achieves through a symbolic medium, it lacks, real symbolic or a process to learn. Modern lovers want to be monks, display a kind of ludic curiosity about things, they play with combinations, what is lost is the passionate play, with passion implying total involvement and intense symbolic value, involves the external manipulation of signs and it lacks, among other things, the symbolic values involved in creations. Sense of time, somethign to be used, even wasted, product of and economy.
the finest object consumer object : the body...
Sex sex sex porn prostitutes sex sex sex
Female body as priviledged vehicle of beauty, sexuality and manages narcissism, reduction of the body to asthetic, erotic exchange value. Woman body.. servitude???
And admirable vicious cicle of managed emancipation wich we also find applied in the case of women: by confusing woman and sexual liberation, each neutralized by the other. consumption is this formal autonomization of groups, clases and castes by through the formal autonomization of system of signs or roles...
What to be now to be consumed by the other??
ahhh what to write...
lets start all over again...
TO BE RESTARTED...

:: THE CREATION OF CONCEPTS ::

The difference and the repettiion:
Bergson anvanced by Pierce...
maybe a concept there can be like the understood reference to their external object
concept for me:
sounds and images, intensities, pulses, the movie of a tought.
Waht happenned during the philosophical process? passed the state of externar reflexion to and active and internal alliance.
Movement:
instant in time
position in space
the start...
qualitative duration
concrete duration
posibility:
two instants + two posittions > together to the infinity.
cutting
space position
movie
reconstruction
copying pasting
sustitution possible?
changing possition in time and space?.. filling succession .. mmm
impossible with unmobile sections.
Real movement = concrete duration , inmovile sections + abstrac time = real movement?
Image + image + image + .... = movement
visible? invisible? perceptible? unperceptible? uniform? abstract? image = concecution
False movement? static movement? photograph?... cinema? animation? stop motion? = illusion?
illussion or reconstruction of movement?
as a phenomenology the movement have been broked . in the sense of natural perception
after the images can be created.
A photograph, and snap shot.. is real , is moving, is becoming abstract when its showes, if we photocopy it?
we have movement?
artificial? instead or false? false apply?
illusion?
is the reproduction is the correction of the movement? image given.. image created
qualitatively diferent ..
Movement affects initial stages?
Projection - evolution?
movement = intelligible = form of the ideas = ehternal and inmovile
movement : transition from one to the other .
(quinos, telos, acme) moment: culmination? instants? privilaged instants? regulated transitions?
Kepler Galileo Descartes Newton Leibnitz...
Shadows...

To be continued...

Process Enacted by Jordan C Greenhalgh
Uploaded by TheChaseFactory

:: PEACE AND TENDERNESS COVER UP THE PAIN ::

besides my mind hunger, sometimes i feel the bond with all the tought of the world, a sense of fusion with the minds of the world, wich is my heaven.
My drugs and my books... ahhh books set me off. I explode i jump i cahnge my life i cleanup the flabby ideas. desinfect the rotten traditions.
Everything passes, everything continues.
time to excecute the theories
and bring back the passion
exuberant, irresistible, formidable, fantastic, tragic, horrible, sublime...
life is life.. nana nana ra
regina's phenomena
congratulations.

Na?gel
Uploaded by kuh2

:: WATER HOPE COME ON TLALOC ::

This time gone over, ending with tears .. I stood with a sorrow face, feeling frustrated admitting my powerlessness, and whishing someone can prove to me how, what, when...
to deprive him of my faith would be like depriving him for love..
For some months i have pressured him but still wanting to keep him by my side.
I am concern about his greatness...
Before...
This is the one separation i couldnt endure.
this day still the #9
this is the one that i must bear quietly, i would rather be a thousand times deceived phisically, abandoned, beaten, startved, than dissapointment intellectually ...
Grow
how?
- without noise
- without appearing to be moving
- gently without molesting him
- wihout his encouragement
- to do the "do" and achieve quietly

i dont want to seek companionship somewhere else
do i have to take away that hombre possibility to continue...? ! ? !! ??
this has been the most Number # 9 Day.

Come water come!!!
bring me abck to life
feed me
your daughter hua needs you
needs indigo needs cobalto

V_WATER
Uploaded by tudoempaz

:: SEPTEMBER CRISES ::

A m i losing myself? utterly incapable of soing more than what i did each september...
Some of my sharings was a failure horrible stocks and difficulties.

:: PEA SIZED- BRAIN ::

Some admiration that i have or Freud is confirmed by readind "Beyond the pleasure principles" . I got at one bound the idea of our circiutous route to death,, (simone and sartre.. some others.. ) + (life experience) + (Camus) and to pleasure... The rest was arduous.
but this is not a psychology notebook. I must start one .. Notes are raining down... It is curious to observe, however, that all the pain of personal life dwindles in the warmth of purely intellectual reaserch, that tought in itself diminishes the value of personal emotions and re creates harmony.

? - The Spinning Top
Uploaded by blotdotnote

Loving the toughts.. frees my body of its restlessness, of its concentrated desires upon a near object, far persons, Perhaps i have begun my own cure. Or perhaps the fact that values are finding their true measures again means that i am cured.. but what if still not finding their true measures... i am still ill.. * * current sittuation.
I discover i have not told the whole truth to myself, i left out "whatever" things, has been justified in two manners: the things that happenned to me wich i did not realized or face... wich frightened me; and the things that made no sense in my life, wich i could not describe or explain in a properly way.

"Gone Fishing" by Second Person
Uploaded by Gobblynne_Animation

Being at the time, and extreme idealistic, i tucked the strange happennings away quickly, convinced myself they did not belong to me or my real life, and succeded in keeping the misty.................................................Of............these...... i now......... remember a few because now i realized theur meaning.
I have always been in a state of
1.- amorousness
unconsciously since a child, and without sezual counciousness at all untill i was nineteen or so.

:: THE DAY DOLPHINA CRIED ::

:: SANITY IS JUST A PHONE CALL AWAY ::

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO,
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'VE DONE,
YOU MADE ME FEEL SO BLUE,
IT SEEMED YOUR LOVE WAS GONE AND IF YOU TOOK TO LONG,
TO LAY DOWN BY MY SIDE,
SUSPICION STARTED TO GROW,
AND TIME RAN OUT SO SLOW,
CAUSE I KNEW LOVE WOULD GROW,
AND YOU'D BE RIGHT NEXT TO ME,
ASLEEP I STAYED FOR LONG,
FOR LONG I SANG THIS SONG,
ENOUGH I THOUGHT ONE DAY,
ENOUGH I HEARD YOU SAY,
BUT THEN YOU WOULD COME HOME,
AND THEN WE WOULD MAKE LOVE,
HOW CAN A MAN SAY NO..., AND I WONDER...,
YOU CAME INTO MY LIFE LIKE A THUNDER BUT THEN YOU TURNED ME DOWN AND I WONDER...,
YOU CAME INTO MY LIFE LIKE A THUNDER I WONDER, WONDER...,
WHY YOU DIDN'T LEAVE ME SOONER FOR THAT GUY?
AND MADE ME FEEL SO LOW,
WHILE YOU WERE HIGH,
I NEVER MENT TO HURT YOU SO MUCH I THOUGHT MY LOVE WAS ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU SMILE,
SITTING IN A CAR,
I COULD WATCH YOU GO,
LEAVING WITH SOMEONE,
THAT YOU WILL BLOW,
LAUGHING ALL THE WAY,
I COULD HEAR HIM SAY,
IT FEELS MUCH BETTER IF YOU LICK IT SLOW,
MAYBE IT IS TIME TO MAKE A CHANGE,
YOU THINK ABOUT LEAVING TO ANOTHER STAGE,
BUT THEN YOU REALISED THAT YOU COULDN'T FAKE,
YOU SAID YOU WERE SORRY,
BUT NOW'S TO LATE, AND I WONDER...,
YOU CAME INTO MY LIFE,
LIKE A THUNDER,
BUT THEN YOU TURNED ME DOWN AND I WONDER...,
YOU CAME INTO MY LIFE LIKE A THUNDER,
I WONDER, WONDER...,
WHY YOU DIDN'T LEAVE ME SOONER FOR THAT GUY?
AND MADE ME FEEL SO LOW WHILE YOU WERE HIGH,
I NEVER MENT TO HURT YOU SO MUCH I THOUGHT MY LOVE WAS ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU SMILE FOR ALL YOUR LIFE,
AND I WONDER...,
YOU CAME INTO MY LIFE LIKE A THUNDER BUT THEN YOU TURNED ME DOWN, AND I WONDER...,
YOU CAME INTO MY LIFE LIKE A THUNDER,I WONDER, WONDER...
WHY YOU DIDN'T LEAVE ME SOONER FOR THAT GUY?
AND MADE ME FEEL SO LOW WHILE YOU WERE HIGH,
I NEVER TRIED TO SHARE MY LIFE WITH SOMEONE WHO WILL LOVE ME SO THAT I CAN TRUST MY HEART.

:: MA MELODIE ::

Home again, everything seemed changed up int he mountains, in the seas, in the venices, and yet everything has remainded the same, except that i live with more lucidity and more anxiety. I am even to myself , a bad of surprises "Pochette a surprise" . Waht atracts me, tempts me perpetually, in the oportunity to live out a new self. Women see themselves in a morror, in the eyes of the men who love them, i have seen n each man a different woman a different life...

:: HOY ::

I am now twenty six, i am half of what i hope to be
fortunatelly i am alive unfortunately the same.
Dorian, hus painting of me, whith enourmous eyes, dreamy and sad, appearance of fineness and seriousnes, i see myself inocent, his painting of me gives me the impression of intelligence, sad eyes with constantly smiling lips...
This year, greater strengh .. the symphonic concerts of the birds do not get louder, but my cries of exultations and lost acceptance yes... can others endure it?
I am dreaming of next home...
I bought paints, canvas, brushes, i have started to mix, handle colors. At night i have a fever from visions of silver, persian blue, pomegranate, violet, emerald green, lacquer white, burnt sienna, cobalt blue, vermillion.... am i obsess with byzantinium.?
I hae nothing but a desire to be left alone with my work. Friends have never lasted after deaths more than a few months, noone of them have been worth as much as solitude most of the times... Why doi sometimes feel that i cannot live without them, ?? mmm It is true they enrich my mind, fill my mind but solitude is an active, toughtful, ruminating kinds, that keeps me from having to feed always on myself, .... I want everyone to leave me alone with my journal my books, my paintings and my overcrowded ideas.

:: PURITANICALLY ::

there has been so much missunderstanding between mi hombre and I. We tried the other day to arrange our future, Long ago i asked whether it would destroy our marriage if either one of us had a little whim.
The other day i had not succeded in making him understand that life together has kind of perfection over and above us. tolerance, time to test.
the intellectual tolerance, reasonableness, but also a great fund of emotionalism
as a greater effort to preserve our love.
but ohhh no...
some revelations... mi hombre seemed to be absolutely futile and unnecessarily cruel.

:: ASSURANCE AND AFFIRMATION ::

I n a sudden mood of confidence i read myself many pages of my journal. In short, i do not coney the moods succesfully outside of it as i do it inside it. Reading for personal reasons, pleasing me deeply, I explained the blessed inocence which i live in because of my lack of knowledge and experiences in this world. i am forced to do my own seeking, in "my always"

:: IN QUEST OF A NEW LIFE ::

A year since this stop, time to update...
My friend now is Regina, I have at last grown up a full appreciation of her. In was in this place, in this water, that she blossomed and she was revealed to me. i realized the riches in her.

Yesterday we read Rimbaud together, or, she read Rimbaud to me, How far her mind goes, how quickly, how promptly. I who talk little ussually, talk by the hour to her, about everything.
And she told me about the man she had loved, who died in the war, about her worship of being a mother, her feeling of having fully lived. Living for her is an art and a creation, Translations of different languages is a creation, She has a gift of naturalness that i have never seen in anyone else.. she is the same for everybody. Nothing intimidates her Ease, independence, enthusiasm and unusual gifr for languages, a sane health with scared life, healthy physique with squizofrenia, and untter absence of materialism, a flexibility whtin a very definable personality.
From me to myself...

:: THIS HAPPENNED ::

>

:: I HAVE TO SEE WHO I AM KISSING ::

People:
i am love
i want to have the rest of my life with my Motoi by my side
we are a very particular couple
too alike in someways
and very differents in the others
we just start this odisey hoping the best
and we still have our best since the beginning
hope oneday you... whoever is reading this
find your someone
my someone is hope my last one still with me
no matter what...
and we after my 25 th birthday i can say... i am happy with th things that i have in my new year... i love you.... chu chu chu session with rythm

:: WONDERING ::

I am wondering about my country... who will be the next president...
VOTE!

:: ADJETIVES AND MORE ::

corrupted
stupid
selfish
lack of coinfidence
want to belong to something
need of recognition
problems to express
weak culture
cool blood
fashion fan
money maker
standarized
materialistic
bad listener
working hard loving less
loving less... living.. guess?
time is the only think that we cannot control
"life is what happen to you when you are busy
making other plans"
a lot of thing to say....
ending better...
we build our own death

:: SOMETHING... ::

Somethign has finished today, i dont know if i know what it is. Apologises are not coming, and memory still working, i no longer have the strength to live on imaginings. It was to much of a promise, too abrupt a denial. I cannot bear it. It found me weak, vulnerable.
What has died is my hope. Now at last i feel physical pain, the horrible emptiness of having desire violently in the void. The body rebels. Bitterness at last burns me. And this. I was full of poetry, and therefore more than ever streched out toward climax.
Again
i am in a quest of a new life, or trying to fight to still have this.

:: MIO HOMBRE ::

You have to do whatever you have to do, and if what you are doind dosent work, then find another way and if that dosent work, find another way and like that.... dont give up and make me smile...

:: LETS SEE ::

むつき、睦月
きさらぎ、 如月
やよい、 弥生
うずき、 宇津木
さつき、 皐月
friendship, arrived? still trying the older ones
Did i rebirth? what about the things i plant?... wait until june, water time.
growing, i am growing falling down...
theres a lot of rabbits, they love sex and i had my april
Rice sprouts? lets say again i am still hungry...
next?
waiting for water, letters, leaves, long nights, gods, and frost the busy people...

:: TENGO HAMBRE ::

Despertando, cada mañana me pregunto cual es la lista de las cosas que se tienen que hacer, empiezo a revisar las cosas que tengo, en las que encuentro la nada, y empiezo a decidir hacer algo que implique un reto para cambiar el estado en el que despierto y saber que puedo hacer algo mas que lo que estaba haciendo antes de despertar.
De pronto empiezo por abrir ese libro que deje hace mucho tiempo, diciendo esta vez si lo he de terminar, porque puedo, porque quiero y porque me es necesario para salir de aquí, de pronto la lectura comienza el estomago llama y no se encuentra ninguna salida, vuelves al vacío, y ya no puedes masque alimentarte continuar y no salir.

:: BEAUTIFUL MOMENT ::

I AM HAPPIEST ALONE, WITH MUSIC AND THOUGHTS. I LIKE MY OWN COMPANY, THE SOUND OF MY OWN IDEAS, AND THE SEALIKE MOVEMENTS OF MY FEELINGS, MORE INTENSE THAN ALL THE REST OF MY LIFE, MORE THAN OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES, MORE THAN BOOKS MORE THAN PLAYS. I USED TO FEAR EMPTYING MYSELF, BUT IT HAS NEVER HAPPENED. OLY DEPRESSION. I GET EMPTY ONLY WHEN I AM WITH OTHER PEOPLE, FEELING THEIR EMPTINESS, BRUISING MYSELF AGAINST THEIR WALLED IN INTELLIGENCE, AGAINST THEIR STONY APATHY, THEIR POOR LIFE, BORED, GOD!! WHO CAN THEY LIVE THAT WAY... PASSION... PASSION... OHHH I AM DEPRESSED... BUT ALONE, I OVERFLOW, I AM RICH, I AM ALIVE, I SHALL NEVER DRY UP UNTIL I DIE... BUT I HAVE ONE MISTAKE... I LOVE TOO MUCH.

:: KEEP ::

I keep my eyes and ears open as usual but find nothing to satisfy my everhungry mind. I am tired of the familly, even i force myself try to think i love them. None of out tastes are alike, and i am a strange creature that was self raced, our ideas the same, are not something that we can share or even understand because as always i have to be the listener because for me if i cannot talk its ok, my toughts can be used agains them, without knowing, but i have to listen because the uncivilized way to have a conversation have to be from their side, its more unrational than the animal that i can be. The one world that does not exist for me its the most important in their lifes: boredom. Charaloal pills.
When i am with them i feel tired empty and sad... Occasionally i get visual pleasure from "mi hombre" tinged with desire. But i want too many things, and i am perpetually upset by the things that i want and i cannot own, receive or have,

:: SIMON AND SISTER ::

They are goign to come and visit me!!!
I have too much worries and too many pressures, that i am getting crazy, i cannot do anything that i want to do, i am sacrificing my entire life, and my hobbies, and my time, and my health and what i am goign to have in return? for sure more worries.

:: AS ALWAYS BLEEDING ::

I cannot stop bleeding, this is painful and still hurting like the other million of things that are happenning here.

:: WHAT IN NEED TO? ::

lets put together all the pieces... i need to be rebuild by myself. i am under construction.

:: MUEGANITO:: (Motoi Antonio)

Do i have my mueganito? as a concept yes, as an image... i still need...

:: FRUSTRATIONS .. ::

what it is going to happen... god ! the project its going to take more time than the time i plan to work in, so what to do? reject it, and find another part time job until i go to japan?... I hate part time jobs... and i hate part time jobs in mexico... i quit almost 4 and find another... i cannot do it... i want to be a taxi driver.... Yeah a taxi driver!!!... i am frustrated ... so i hope this worth it, because is taking 80% of my life off me, so better to fullfill it ... if no, regrets are going to arrive.... MAKE IT WORTH IT !!!

:: TO BE OR NOT TO BE ?? ::

Who is this little girl?... i have reached a conclusion, He is one degree more passionate than me, Now i know that as i get older, friend become parents... and in this case... i fail.. He is not the father.. but dont they are cute?... what a shame he is flirting as part of life....

:: WAKE UP :: mother i need the mad face of the day!!

IMAGES...(Hi Motoi!!! from hegel....)

Words are something we mist give a shape with our hands before they have any meaning, so "mi hombre" i love you. and i will give a meaning to my words...
Hands earth, clay, tools, carving, paitnting, kissing... All this and more. and poetry to fix and transmutate the images.
How it hurts to love dreams, work, love, poetry, you, and to love as i do. but i feel the pain that at the end tell me that "you are alive regina".
Sameness is a torment. differences are a torment. to have such "twin feelings" as "mi hombre" and i have, is almost unbearable. He cannot bear it. Its almost like loving himself. Phrases come out of him wich startle me into absolute silence. It is like ifi were talking to myself. I get our ideas so mixed up I do not know at times whose idea it was. He leads me up to the end of my toughts. "Our minds are engaged. Let us announce that our minds are engaged".
But distance... we dont even hold hands and at moments he seems to be violently pushed toward me in some awkward collision. but i want him feel that we are no matter the distance shoulder to shoulder. I am disarmed . i never play the not lover woman, the indifferent woman, altought i should have. My love for "mi hombre" always burns in my face and gestures. with a child's damnable naturalness. in that i am a rotten actress. My feelings are too true. I am conquered, I am beaten. in such matters it is a duel. I never shot first before, always someone has to shot first . I wait. but now.. i am always the first. What a game for interest people to play, what a comedy. Shared feelings can cause a great deal of bitterness between "mi hombre" and me because of vanity...Eliminate vanity and what do you find? Thruth! Women cannot stand the truth in matters of love. They always take it personally. "He dosent love me"--- a personal insult. So i have to leave Vanity and face the true... He loves me!!!

:: I HAVE.. TO REMEMBER TO FORGET HIM ::

Specific friend, my brother.... "Jos" , let make mad faces....
"mi hombre" made it, lets remember him! cheers!!!

:: GOODBYES ::

I
Became
Stupid.
...

:: EVEN BEFORE ::

I often tried to explain, even before i knew psychology, that i beleived the writing of a diary would take the place of a confession and give the habit of self-analysis so prefectly that one ought to be liberated by it. Now i see from my own experience that one can start from a false premise and fail to achive absolute knowledge of one's delf and also absolute thruthfulness. But it now seems to me that a journal can clarify, realize, and organize the entire knowledge of one's self.
The only way of judging and action: "Toute sensation absolue est religieuse" (all absolute feelings is religious)
waht i call a real knowledge:
I know what i want. (advice: make and effort to preserve love, somethimes i dont have enough intellectual tolerance)

:: JUST AND BECAUSE ::

I watched the children playing around and smiling and saw a little girl i wanted to have - and eery child, with a secret smile adn thoughts of her own, runnins lightly to dry her hands.Until now, i never wanted childrens, i called them "interuptions" "renunciations" knowing too well that they might be like neither "mi hombre" nor myself, not even perhaps and extension or a development or our ideals, but a mere repetition or the ordinary patterns...
I will never give myself entirely to anything. with entirely passion yes; but never entirely. I will never scape from myself, nobody is able, but in my case, neither by love, by maternity, by art... if i have to scape from myself not to be alone with myself, i prefere myself keep belonging me.

:: COLD ::

A cold way to say i love you!, with an specific waste of time... i am not available.

:: PHILOSOPHIC MOMENT ::

How amusing it is not to find no resemblance between yourself and others around you and then to find yourself portrayed in a books as a type in a philosophic movement. My restlesness, pity, individuality, reactions, are thoroughly tabulated. I personally fulfill the description of the romantic ironist. When i get too worried by my problems, i shall look for te usual sotutions in some books. I can choose madness, suicide, or humanism. But how is it one does not resemble anyone alive and yet one can resemble at once all the romantic fools and diviniers in the encyclopedia?
I arrive at the conclusion i was afraid to formulate. I had obscurely begun to blame my "hombre" for my neurosis. (plus my family)
I was profoundly shocked, because i beleive he did not love me, and that our relationship was a mistake. incomplete union. I am always loving and receptive willing caresses.
The fact that i am acutely sensitive to his state of being, his moods, would be almost enough to cause my own depression. I am tired of death of his strange way to care. I owe the knowledge of what was poison us. and each line still dosent matter more than... I love him...still...until? who knows?

:: AS A CRITIC MY COLLABORATOR ::

I owe him a great deal, as the one it is possible to talk to because he is never too busy and never unreceptive, and he has such extraordinary ideas, such a talent for slow developement, patience unfolding. Here is a friend. Fear of my need? no; Fear of my dependence? no; I know my tenderness.Oh what a good friend i make you, i will keep myself permanently packed, ready to leave at the necesary hour... take care of bird flue , KFC, your new husky, and take care of your girl!
The craving of friends and the rejections of friends, To be strong is not to wear one's self out against the strenght of the others, in love or hate, to discover our own self- sufficiency. That i will never know, The i will laugh about my little wars. I understand I guess everything, I know friends are a certain kind of love for me.

:: LADIES OPRESSED AND IRRITATED BY MONOTONY ::

It is something more serious. Worry about their fate. Whenever women find and emptiness in their lives they do not seek the cause of it within themselves, in their spiritual and intelectual life; no; they seek a man; they turn sometimes also destructively upon the man.
Worry about their fate, our fate.

:: ACTING AND STAGE OF LIFE ::

"Duch painting" Grew, more and more stolid and fixed, i decide to make one desperate effort to bring my bace, to bring it back to life, I was not able to play the "smile", and my mouth twitched as if i were about to sob. However, I conquered myself and went on. the last "mad faces" were satisfactory and natural. And inside i was deeply surprised and pleased. Sometimes i am impressed with my appearance, happy perhaps... I had a very pure joy moment while reminding "mi hombre" mad face... for a moment beauty entered that gray and sluggish day. with the most subtle humor. shaking off the oppresion of that "dutch face"...

:: MAD FACE ::

Mad Face 1
How to make a mad face?
enough mad?
Before i get mad

:: FIRST OF ALL ::

He read us two perfectly delightful stories in his old manners , Our evening was calculated to intimidate me. First of all, we were serverd a young lobster, wich required a sidiculous amount of attention. He was talking about the west and the middle west of wich i knew nothing. And then was intent on questioning me on a material life in Mexico, since he is comming in November, and i can never make this subject attractive or even bearable. He subly more "American"
than before adn a little too self- satisfied. Ohhh!! about the stories.... One of that stories was more modern, which i dislike because it was sort of exhaustive repetition of himself and a little obvious. I did not hesitate to tell him that Eve (in adam and eve) was essentially americanm whereas he intented her to be universal. That is when i became scared. My criticism was instctive (damn it) and stood on no legs at all. I will have to make up in writing for that momentous impulse. the rest of the evening was comparatively smooth, We laughed at his stories but could not laught as heartily as he did himself. He read them with a strong colloquial accent, which accentuated the rougher aspects of his face, and for no sound reason i was little disappointed. I have such faith in his mind. But his thundering, ogrelike laugh rolls over everything and make feel sad.

:: OTHERWISE ::

Of course i understand that formality is a natural habit with the Asians (or shall i say vice).
It dose not mean unfriendliness, but in the case of the formality expressed by a close friend
for me ( at a moment when he should have been forgetful of his usual restraint) it was delicate
problem to deal with.
To my own family, i struggle to free them by taking and interest in the house, by sharing the
work, by sewing, helping, by giving them some abundant thoughtfulness. i think i gave them so
much! I swallowed my pride; i was gentle and patient. But as soon as one battle was won, i was
faced with a new one. Visitors came. It was a renewal of the judgment to be passed on me, from
which my sensitiveness shrank. Too much praise of me was not wanted either and was received
without pleasure.
Some persons are really pathetic and helpless persons, with very limited feeling and no
understanding whatsoever. I made a tremendous effort to love them but find it uttery imposible.
Each one of us carries ans independent seed of greatness. Families give us life and nourishment
and a beginning. We can do the rest. And yet i like to have them great, understanding if possible.
What a lot i ask. ( i owed myself to the collisions)
I invent what i miss.